Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR31-40/hum040

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:45 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00040"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #40
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 28 Oct 1993 20:49:59 -0400
From:         "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        They usually have virgins,
        And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 30 Oct 1993 22:12:47 -0400
From:         "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Totally Clean: Computer; Product; Warranties; Theft; Lawyer

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
        = = =
Some people wondered why performance on the computer system fell to a
standstill.  It seems the overlay manager program (which is used to load
in overlays) was located on an overlay...

        = = =

For Sale: Parachute, in excellent condition.  Used once, never opened.

        = = =

Seen in an advertisement for a product:

Our products are of the highest quality.  If you are dissatisfied, while
we cannot give you a refund, you may keep the product.

         = = =

A computer operator in Germany was arrested for check fraud.  He had been
on duty when his own check was being printed, and pushed the 'reprint'
button after it had already printed the check, causing it to reissue his
check.  He did this some sixty times.  He was caught when he presented the
15th check for the exact same amount to the same cashier at the same
branch of the same bank.

         = = =

A dying man summoed his three closest people: his minister, his doctor,
and his lawyer, and said to them:

They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try.  Here is an
envelope with $50,000 in cash.  When they bury me, I want you to toss it
in with me.

Later, the man dies.  At his funeral each of the men tosses an envelope
into the grave.  The minister decides to speak.  "The Church needed a new
roof, so I kept $5,000."  The doctor then speaks.  "We needed to replace an
X-Ray machine, so I kept $15,000."  The lawyer turns to them and says,
"Gentlemen, I am deeply ashamed at your dishonesty.  I'll have you know
that I placed the money in my account, and placed a check for the full
$50,000 in his grave!"

---
Note: All mail is read/responded every day.  If a message is sent to this
account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours,
resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly.

Paul Robinson - [e-mail]
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <[e-mail]>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

To be is to do.
                -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
                -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
                -- F. Flinstone
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 30 Oct 1993 22:44:13 +0500
From:         Cathy Risdon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: National Condom Week <R rated for "Rude">

i worked in an AIDS-related health promotion job  where i got to hear
about the slogans used in other countries.  two from central africa:

If you must lust
Wrap that rascal

Keep your chopper somewhere proper.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 30 Oct 1993 23:49:56 -0400
From:         "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nice Rejoinder (May Be Offensive)

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
This man was talking to a woman who was his ex-lover.  Finally
he insults her over some trivial matter.  She, exasperated, says,

"You are a complete and total BASTARD!"
to which he calmly responds,
"Practice makes perfect."
---
Condense soup, not books!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 08:50:20 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      set those clocks

        When I was an undergraduate student assistant in the Library at my
college, I was scheduled for the Sunday Circulation Desk from opening at
2:00 P.M. till 6.  As the cafeteria closed at 1:00, I dawdled for a while
at the end and then walked over to the library, expecting a half hour or so
wait until the librarian opened it up.
       Instead, I found it open and the librarian sitting at the Reference
desk
looking lost, "Where is everybody?" he asked me.  He'd forgotten to set his
clock back and had spent his extra hour at work.

        Anyone have a better story about the daylight saving time shift?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 16:00:30 -0500

From:         Gerald Leske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: PICKUP LINES
HERE ARE TWO I'VE USED OR HEARD MY FRIENDS USE (OR BOTH):

*IF I  COULD REARRAGE THE ALPHABET I WOULD PUT "U" AND "I" TOGETHER.

*WANT TO COME BACK TO MY ROOM AND GET A PIZZA AND HAVE SEX?  WHAT'S THE
MATTER YOU DON'T LIKE PIZZA?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 15:49:19 MST
From:         Alex Beberman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I.R.S. Joke(PG) Language

Hey there everybody Whats new?
This is Alex Beberman from New Mexico Highlands and I have a joke that should
be pretty funny for a lot of you and for some of you it wont be so funny we'll
just have to wait and see. Here is the first one!

Poor little Johnny wanted a toy of his own, so he wrote a letter to God
begging
for $20.00 to buy one. After he mailed it a kindhearted postal clerk forwarded
it to City Hall, where it came to the attention of the mayor. the mayor then
wrote Johnny a nice note enclosed a $5.00 bill and mailed it to him.
     When the envelope arrived Johnny was furious. He grabbed a pencil and
wrote"Dear God, Thanks for the $20.00, only why did you have to send it
through
City Hall? the bastards kept 75% for taxes!!!
______HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH---------------
-
I hope everyone liked that one. If you guys have any questions leave me a note
in my email box at the following address.
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 16:06:20 MST
From:         Alex Beberman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slut Joke (R rating)

Hi again everyone, here is a nother joke that i have to tell you guys.
Jenny was complaining about her date to her girlfriend Emily, "The creep
called
me a slut" she huffed.
"Thats awful her friend exclaimed. What did you do?"
"I told him to get out of my bedroom," Jenny replied and take his friend with
him."

I hope you all liked that one as well?
As always my address for comments is as follows:
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 17:36:20 CST
From:         Paul Crowson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more Halloween humor

I'm running behind, again, but not too late, try these at the party :)
Here are some decent jokes for Halloween.

what do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by
 its radius?  pumpkin pie! (pi = 3.14, better be a circular pumpkin!)

 what do you get when you goose a ghost?
  a handful of sheet!

why was the wife happy on Halloween nite?
  cos her husband was a goblin

 what did the father ghost say to the little ghost?
  don't spook until you are spooken to.

 why did the Cyclops have to close his school?
  Because he only had one pupil

 why did Frankenstein go to see a psychiatrist?
  he thought he might have a screw loose

Hope everybody has a safe holiday and a good time! try out those
pickup lines!! :)

 Paul Crowson -- UC324698@MIZZOU1
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 31 Oct 1993 21:00:37 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The bull was gored by the cow <Mulla>

THE BULL GORED THE COW

     A yokel came to the Mulla and said, "Your bull gored my cow.
Am I entitled to any compensation?"

     "No," said the Mulla at once, "the bull is not responsible for
its actions."

     "Sorry," said the crafty villager, "I put it the wrong way
around.  I meant that it was your cow which was gored by my bull.
But the situation is the same."

     "Oh, no," said Nasrudin, "I think I had better look up my law
books to see whether there is a precedent for this."
================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 12:17:09 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Washroom

                Types of People You Meet in the Washroom
                ----------------------------------------

Excitable:      Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips
                shorts.
Sociable:       Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not.
Crosseyed:      Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center,
                flushes one on right.
Nosey:          Looks into next urinal to see how guy is fixed.
Timid:          Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal
                as if he has already used it.
Indifferent:    All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
Clever:         No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around,
                pisses on floor.
Worried:        Is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes
                quick inspection.
Absentminded:   Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
Disgruntled:    Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
Sneak:          Farts silently while leaking, sets very innocent,
                knows man next to him will be blamed.
Childish:       Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see
                the bubbles.
Patient:        Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads
                paper with free hand.
Desparate:      Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
Efficient:      Waits till he has to crap, then does both at the
                same time.
Tough:          Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Fat:            Has to back up and take long shot at the urinal,
                misses, and pisses on shoes.
Little:         Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
Drunk:          Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
Radical:        Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 29 Oct 1993 10:30:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Personal ad (clean)

[I saw this on one of the Freenets over a year ago, and like it so much I
kept a copy.  -David]

Want to meet elderly married woman

Yes, that's right.  Age 50 to 75, and inseperable from her cherished
husband.  Someone who treasures intimacy, is energetic, open-minded,
spontaneous, bright, human.  Who feels no shame or inhibition around
sexuality, is creative and responsive.  Who gives her man tenderness,
stimulation, support, challenge, and expects the same from him (and, of
course, receives it).  Who is in excellent shape, who looks 10-20
years younger than her actual age.  Who is gentle in her forthrightness
and honesty.  A woman of profound character and rich sensuality.  And,
lastly, who has joyfully passed on her beliefs, values and qualities to
her children.

I want to meet her unmarried daughter.

I'm a professional white male, 37, and a perfect complement to the above.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 13:01:09 +0000
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Condoms, more condoms, homosexual ghosts

         Richard Branson, after naming his record company, film company and
         airline   Virgin   Records,  Virgin  Films,  and  Virgin  Atlantic
         respectively breaks into the condom  market.   Finally  he  has  a
         product that is in some way associated to the name of the company.
         So what does he do?  Names them "Mates" condoms.   What  a  wasted
         opportunity.   Perhaps  he  thought  people would only use them on
         virgins.

         Jiffy Condoms

         A competitor (at least in the UK) is Jiffy condoms.   They  ran  a
         campaign  a  couple  of years back with some amazing T-shirts with
         the following slogans:  (There were more,  but  I  can't  remember
         them).

         Got a stiffy?
         Wear a Jiffy.

         Me no daft, me no silly,
         Me wear Jiffy on my Willy.

         Real men come in a Jiffy.

         If she's hot and needs some succour
         Wear a Jiffy so you can fuck her.

         Old Halloween gag

         Heard about the two homosexual ghosts?
         They put the willies up each other.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 10:21:37 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Written on Halloween, 1993

The juxtaposition of these two things in my e-mail box strikes me as
funny:

1. On the Malaysian Islamic Student Network, some people are warning
   Muslims not to celebrate Halloween because it is a pagan festival
   taken over by Christians, like Christmas and Easter.

2. On the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship list, some people are
   warning Christians not to celebrate Halloween because it is a pagan
   festival *not* taken over by Christians, unlike Christmas and
   Easter.

Gee, I almost wish I was on some pagan mailng list to see what *they*
say 8-) Probably something like warning pagans not to celebrate
Halloween because it's a festival that trivializes Pagan beliefs!
(Which it does, IMO -- it trivializes and makes into silly fantasy
objects witches and warlocks, which have sacred meaning in the pagan
religion of Wicca.)

By the way, only the juxtaposition of these messages strikes me as
funny. I do not mean to make fun of the sincerely held beliefs of these
Muslims, Christians and Pagans.

Ian
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 17:00:38 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      3rd grade humor

Q)      What do nuclear scientists do on holiday?
A)      They go fission (fishin')
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 13:26:30 EST
From:         Maurice Jester <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex Joke

     Q.  How do you make a hormone?
     A.  Slap her in the face and refuse to pay her!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 14:47:23 CST
From:         "ROBERT P. BLAND, III" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Chemist Top Ten Wanted

I am interested in any good pick-up lines for chemists. I am putting
together a T-shirt for my chapter of the American Chemical Society and
I would appreciate any suggestions anyone would have.

Here are some examples of what I am looking for:

-- Is that a stirring rod in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
-- Your lab or mine?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Rob Bland
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:17:28 EST
From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pickup line... clean

one of my favorites has always been Steven Wright's
"Do you live around here often?"

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 14:18:18 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ravioli (G)

Q:  What do you call a ravioli that pretends to be a macaroni?
A:  An impasta!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:31:10 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      chemists

Possible Pick Up Lines

        "Well, I must say, you certainly show how stupid that statistic about
the human body only being worth $2.47 is ..."

        "Play your cards right and You could have the next element discovered
na
med after you."

        "What makes you think I'd put something in your drink?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:57:43 -0500
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Inoffensive poem  G-rated

        I know this is a stupid poem and you've probably heard it, but
it's stuck in my mind and I have to share it.

                        Roses are red,
                        Violets are blue.
                        Some poems rhyme
                        But this one doesn't!

Well, there you have it.  Read it; delete it; eat it just don't repeat
it.

Mike
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 15:04:23 -0500
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More urinal humor

Sporty type: plays battleships and tries to sink the cigarette buts
Unsanitary type: taps tool dry against side of urinal
Well-hung type: taps tool dry against side of foot
Friendly type: looks over divider to chat while you pee
Unwelcome friendly type: turns to chat and pisses down your leg
Really unwelcome type: thinks tool is a light-sabre and engages you in
        a battle of the jedi
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 17:44:44 EST
From:         Catherine Ann Raymer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      hello!!

Hello!!  My name is Cathy Raymer, and I just signed on to this list...
I am interesting in corresponding with anyone who is a humorist and/
or cartoonist professionally.  I draw cartoons from time to time
for our school newspaper here at Morehead State University.... at
the time I have a couple of pretty funny Top Ten lists that I will
forward to this list...

                                 --Cathy
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 18:08:02 EST
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pickup lines and personals (clean)

I know of no chemistry pickup lines. but I do remember using the following
on a guy in my histology class: "Let's rub stratifies squamous epithelia
together!" It didn't work.

Anyway, old chemists never die, they just fail to react....

My favorite personal ad may be apocryphal but was attributed to the
Village Voice:
                          Minimalist seeks woman.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
E-mail me privately if you wanna know what stratified squamous epithelium is.
You all have it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 19:11:01 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Comments from my paper...

Hi everyone...
This made ME laugh...
It's the comments my teacher gave me on my (BULLS&*%) paper on
Gender Bias in Film (something I believe exists, but I completely
bulls*&^%ed my paper...)...

"Thoughtful, well-organized- Much more CONTROLLED than earlier version-
Concentrate on channelling your anger and indignation in ways that
STRENGTHEN your arguments, and make them as PERSUASIVE as POSSIBLE to
skeptics..."

Made me laugh...

Oh, and why can't Helen Keller have children?
She's DEAD!  (Yell this part really loud in the face of your victim...)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 19:33:20 -0500
From:         "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      In Response to the moderator: meek inherit...

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
> Obligatory humor: Seen on a restroom wall: The meek shall inherit
> the earth (if that's okay with the rest of you).

"Yeah, the meek shall inherit the earth, but most likely in 6' by 3'
plots."
      - Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's  "Time Enough for Love"

---
Note: All mail is read/responded every day.  If a message is sent to this
account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours,
resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly.

Paul Robinson - [e-mail]
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <[e-mail]>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 22:06:06 -0500
From:         "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (2) Items you may not get

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
Eric Berne wrote a book on Transactional Analysis as it relates to human
relationships.  The book's title is "Sex in Human Loving." It has some
funny parts in it, including some discussion of why people act in certain
ways.  His humorous translation of dirty words into nonsense is funny.

On the back of the title page it says

Copyright 1964 by City National Bank of Beverly Hills

A bank is the owner of copyright in a sex book.  How different.

----

I was living in Los Angeles County and went to the store to
purchase some items including soda.

I found out that the Dr. Pepper Bottling Company of Southern
California had gone into Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  But that
product was still being sold.  So I looked at the can and I
laughed at the notice on the can.  Some people didn't get why
I thought it was funny:

  Dr. Pepper (R).  Canned under the authority of
  The Dr. Pepper Company, Dallas, Texas, by
  Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Los Angeles, Los Angeles, CA.

---
Note: All mail is read/responded every day.  If a message is sent to this
account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours,
resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly.

Paul Robinson - [e-mail]
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <[e-mail]>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 22:32:22 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more on Hellen Keller

        I worked at Gallaudet for a couple of years.  (for those of you trying
to remember what's special that name, it's the National College for the Deaf).
For the students, there are several heroic figures.  Hellen Keller is
certainly
one of them.
        One day in the library, I found a book about her called _Hellen Keller
in Scotland_ and found the title strangely funny.  One of my deaf friends
asked
me what I was amused at and I showed her the title.  She gave me an odd look.
I signed to her, "How would she know where she was?" ( a lame joke I admit.)
"They could have told her anything!"
        She gave me a shocked look and signed, "THEY Wouldn't Lie to Hellen
Keller!" emphatically!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 23:04:39 -0500
From:         gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      beavis and butthead - gift from a friend

Perhaps you've seen this, perhaps not:

                             Are you feeling anything yet?

                         Mmm hehheh, no.

       ________________        I don't get it.    ______________
      /                \      It's supposed to   / /            \---_
     / /          \ \   \  pack an awesome buzz.|     -    -         \
     |                  |                       | /         -   \  _  |
    /                  /       RRRRIBBITT.      \    /  /   //    __   \
   |      ___\ \| | / /                          \/ // // / ///  /      \
   |      /          \          Maybe you're not |             //\ __   |
   |      |           \          licking right.  \              ///     \
  /       |      _    |                           \               //  \ |
  |       |       \   |    Spppoooooottt.          \   /--          //  |
  |       |       _\ /|  Mmmmm smack smack smack.   / (o-            / \|
  |      __\     <_o)\o-  Tastes like chicken.     /            __   /\ |
  |     |             \                           /              .)  /  |
   \    ||             \        ______===__,     /   __          &/ / \ |
    |   |__          _  \     /..... 0 (o)__)   (____ *)         -  |   |
    |   |           (*___)   /./...._\\----'        /               |  |
    |   |       _     |     /./__--'  \\_          (____            |  |
    |   |    //_______/    /./        /|\           ####\           |  |
    |  /      / UUUUUU    //                        ____/ )         |_/
     \|      /           //                        (___             /
      |      \          /|\                         \____         |
      |       \_nnnnnnn--\                               \        |
      |_____/\___________/                                \_______\
     /      \                                             /        |
    /  __   |                                             |   __   |
    | |  |  |                                             |  |  |  |
    | |  |  |                                             DC |  |  |
    | |  |Met                                             |  |  |  |
    | ( <   |                                             |   > )  |
    |  \ \  |                                             |  / /   |
    |   \ \ |                                             | / /____|
    |   /|||\                                             /|||\    |
    |_______|                                             |        |
    |       |                                             |   /\   |
    |       |                                              |  | |  |
    |   /\  |                                              |  | |  |
    |  / |  |                                              |  | |  |
    |  | |  |                                              (  < (  <
    |  | |  |                                               | |  | |
    >  ) >  )                                               | |  | |
    | |  | |                                                | |  | |
    | |  | |                                               %| |  | |
    | |  | |%                                           (______)%| |
    | |%(______)                                             (______)
   (______)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 00:53:28 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Purist <poem>

The Purist by Ogden Nash

I give you now Professor Twist
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day his missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 1 Nov 1993 11:08:49 MDT
From:         Caren Covington <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: PICK UP LINES

        Once we (me & some girlfriends) were going to a club.  This guy kept
looking at one of my friends.  Finally he came over and asked her "How are you
doing?", "Fine" she replied.  And to this he replied "I asked how you were
doing, not how do you look".   Our group response to this way "Oh
Pleeeeeeeezzzzeeeeee!"

Caren
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:26:00 EST
From:         Tiffany Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs

I have another catchy Barney tune I heard, sorry if anyone has heard it
already:
  I hate you, You hate me
  We shot Barney with an M-16
  Cut off his head and threw him on the floor
  No more Purple dinosaur
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:38:33 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Tens!!!

---> October 27, 1993 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary
=========================================

10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines
 9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24-second clock (If you know what I mean)
 8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss
 7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked
 6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna
 5. Favorite pickup line:  "If you've got the ways, I've got the means"
 4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses
himself
 3. Bob Dole?  A woman
 2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device
 1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea"

---> October 28, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated
=============================================

10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
 9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
 8. Four words:  She's a hugging machine
 7. All rooms in her hotels are now free!  Seriously!  Call 1-800-HELMSLEY
    right now to reserve yours!
 6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
 5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison
    laundry
 4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
 3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
 2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
 1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy

---> October 29, 1993 <---

====================================
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot
====================================

10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
 9. In the so-called "serum", you recognize a couple of Cheerios
 8. When you walk into a room, people say "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
 7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu
 6. The next day you find yourself on stage rubbing yourself with the Puerto
    Rican flag
 5. It looks like chafing...it feels like chafing...but it isn't chafing
 4. You got the shot from a street vendor
 3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you wake up it's 2025 and your
    mission is to track down Wesley Snipes
 2. Your skin darkens and you start saying awful things about Whoopi
 1. Hives the size of melons
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 09:37:36 -0500
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: set those clocks
On Sunday my husband had to go to work at 7:30am.  He fell asleep on the
living room floor.  I woke him up and he said "Don't forget to set my
alarm!!"

So I got him all snuggly in bed and proceeded to set the clock and the
alarm so as not to forget.

Well I set it forward instead of back so he was up at 5:00am instead of
7:00am.  Boy was he mad.  But he is over it now.

Any other funny stories about daylight saving time?
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 10:02:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      driving habits

we all know that there are knuckleheads on the road, but i was just reminded
of a time when i was one, myself.  sort of.

the setup:
between jobs, i worked at the I-X center in brookpark, ohio.  the I-X center
is an international exposition center, and the largest facility of its kind
in the world.  we have car shows, boat shows, industrial shows, and other
events of that nature.  i worked as a "runner" for the food service
department.  the title stems from our duties of getting the food from the
kitchen, where it is prepared, to the service lines, where it is sold at
outrageously exhorbitant prices.
since the I-X center is so huge (it was an armoured tank plant, during WWII)
they give us golf carts with a carrying bed on the back to do it.  having
done this day in and day out for several months, i got to the point where i
could manoeuver the golf cart between the narrowest of clearances hardly
ever letting up on the accelerator pedal.

the payoff:
i was driving my 1978 caprice classic (a genuine land yacht, in size) coming
up to a red light on a three-lane street.  two of the lanes were in my
direction, the right one being a straight/right-turn-only lane, and the left
one being a left-turn-only lane.  i wanted to turn left.
well, about 100 feet from the light, on the left, is an exit driveway from a
bank, and a van had just pulled out and into the right lane, but just
barely.  traffic was backed up from the light such that the van couldn't
pull all the way up, and the rear of the van was almost completely blocking
the left lane, which is where i wanted to be.  the rest of the left lane was
clear, all the way up to the light.  since there was no traffic coming in
the other direction, i decided to cross the yellow divider line and go
around this van to get up to the intersection.  just as i was committing
myself (which has been suggested about me on other occasions, as well) to
making this obviously illegal manoeuver, ANOTHER van started pulling out of
the bank driveway.  i have NO idea where SHE was trying to go, since most of
the street was already being blocked by the FIRST van, but here she came,
anyway!  :/
summoning all my zen acquired from having become such an expert on a golf
cart, i continued in my path between the back of the first van and the front
of the second one.  the driver of the second van saw me, layed on the horn
and hit the brakes.  i, however, kept going.

as it turned out, i pulled my boat of a car through the opening with nary so
much as a nick to ANY of the vehicles, but as i looked in my rear-view
mirror, the eyes and mouth of the driver of the second van were open wider
than i would have thought physiologically possible.

sometimes it's GOOD to be the runner!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 10:28:11 -0500
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs

One more baRNEY TUNE

I hate you, you hate me
Lets get toghether and kill Barney
with a shotgun and a blow to the head
lets all make sure that dinosaur is dead.

Nigel
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:41:00 PST
From:         "Fisher, Ryan" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PICK-UP LINES

My name is Ryan Fisher from the Heartland - South Dakota.  I have been on
this list for some time now, however, this is my first post.  I'm really
nervous and I have to pee!

I have an original pick-up line.  Trust me, it will never work, but it is a
good one:

How about we go to my place and play checkers!  Yeah, that way I can jump
you and get crowned!

YeeHaaa!

Laters,

Fish
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 11:32:46 -0500
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Berkeley CA -- New York has the Museum of Modern Art. Paris has the Louvre.
Berkeley has the New Sense Museum, where art is strictly in the eyes of the
beholder.

The New Sense (say it fast) consists of a vacant, weed-strewn lot studded
with weird objects, most notably a flotilla of commodes painted fluorescent
pink, orange and green.

"What can I say? Art is whatever you can get away with, I guess," said Andy
Ross of nearby Cody's Bookstore. "I'd much rather have a nice monumental
Picasso or an ice skating rink, but we have the toilet museum."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:53:30 PST
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.T      A collection of clean humor gather on: 10 Mar 88

----------------------------------------------------

One Saturday, a farmer was preparing to head off to the Farmer's Market to
sell off his produce.  On his truck, one of his wheels was a bit loose, but he
figured it would get him to the market, at least.

He loaded up the truck, and drove on his way.  He reached a particularly nasty
curve in the highway.  Just as he starts to make the turn, the wheel fell off,
and the truck veered off the road into a ditch.  His crop spilled all over the
side of the road.

Ten minutes later, a state trooper arrives at the scene.  As he exits his
cruiser, ready to help clean up the mess, he sees the farmer sitting at the
side of the road, his head in his hands, and singing to himself:

        "You picked a fine time to leave me Loose Wheel."
        (to the tune of Kenny Rogers)

----------------------------------------------------

"Say, Pooh, why aren't YOU busy?" I said.
"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"Yes, but---"
"Why ruin it?" he said.

----------------------------------------------------

Dole (to Bush): Stop lying about my record
Bush (to Dole): Stop telling the truth about my record!

Al Gore's political slogan:
        Vote for Gore he knows no whore!

Did you hear about a movie starring Swaggart, Baker and Hart? It's called
"Children of a looser God"!

----------------------------------------------------

>    How did Bill Waterson pick the names "Calvin" & "Hobbes"?
>
> [Imaginary scene of Watterson and college]
>
> Didn't Hobbes (the philosopher) discuss the brutish nature of man?
>   Sounds like man could be described as a tiger.
> Doesn't Calvin (the character) often ask questions about predestination?
>   Sounds like a certain religion I've heard of.

  Congratulations, you win the $64,000 prize!

  There was an interview with Bill Watterson in the L.A. Times a few months
back, which I am using as my basis here. In it, watterson explains that he
got the name "Calvin" and "Hobbes" because of their philosophical and
religious views (which apparently contradict and conflict with each other).
Not being a student of this, I can't go into details, but I do remember
Watterson saying "it's a subtle inside joke".

  While we're on the subject of C&H (whoopee!), you might be interested in
how the strip developed:

Idea #1: "Spaceman Spiff", the misadventures and yuks of a cosmic superhero.
  Turned down by syndicates.

Idea #2: (Dunno the name), the misadventures and yuks of a suburban family.
  The father, the mother, the kid, and his stuffed tiger. Turned down by
  syndicates, but Watterson was suggested "try focusing on the kid".

Idea #3: "Calvin & Hobbes". Terrific art, whack-headed stories, reality
  shifts at the drop of a hat, and some of the most original jokes around.
  Instant success, and a very good candidate as the successor to "Peanuts"
  (YEAH!)

----------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 11:47:02 CDT
From:         Serita Blankenship <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      x-rated pick up line

Years ago, when I was much younger, I worked in a convenience store.
A very good looking guy came in, looked me over and asked if I had
any Italian in me. I said no, I didn't.  He promtly replied "would
you like some??"

(It didn't work!)

Serita
[e-mail]

"Be kind to animals - Don't eat them"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 18:07:03 GMT
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pick-up lines for chemists

pick up lines for chemists

"I have some interesting results here that I think you'd appreciate"

"You pass my litmus test any time"

"Goodness, you've set my Bunsen burning"

"We're just two lonely atoms - why don't we make a molecule?"

"Well YOU certainly didn't come out of a test-tube, baby!"

"If you were water, I'd be sodium"

"It's obvious we see eye to eye on Chemistry; why not see how well we do
 on Biology?"

"You are SO sweet, sucrose..."               or..
"Sucrose was never as sweet as you.."

"Look, don't tell a soul, but my lab has developed a powerful new
 all-in-one aphrodisiac, contraceptive and aids-buster, which
 also happens to be extremely pleasant to take, and we're looking
 for specially qualified candidates to try it out..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 13:41:09 EST
From:         David Pace <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pickup lines

If I look half as good to you as you look to me,
then I'm really turning you on...

Hey, baby-baby,
       You 'n me, maybe-maybe?
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 14:21:29 EST
From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      glowing pickle

here's a thought for a good pick up line...

few people (the ones that don't read Penn & Teller books, at any rate) are
aware of the fact that if you skewer a dill pickle on two long metal pins,
and then plug it in to good 'ol USA wall current, it glows bright green.

It really works...I've tried it... really bizarre.

of course, this leads to the pick up line:
"Wanna come up to my apartment and see my pickle glow?"

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 22:17:22 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Light Bulb

HOW MANY PROGRAMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None...it's a hardware problem!

HOW MANY CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
        to the experience.
HOW MANY OREGONIANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Five.  One to change the light bulb, and four more to chase away
        the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

HOW MANY IBM TYPES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        100.  Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank"
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A.....consists of
        sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

HOW MANY EXISTENTIALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
        itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
        reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
        toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

HOW MANY GRADUATE STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to do it.

HOW MANY MICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  (Hint.....they are small enough to fit inside....)

HOW MANY YUPPIES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Silly, yuppies don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub!

HOW MANY MARXISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None.  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

HOW MANY SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would
        screw itself.

HOW MANY DATABASE PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Three.  One to write the light bulb removal program.
                One to write the light bulb insertion program.
                One to act as light bulb administrator to make sure
                nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the
                same time.

HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
        bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

HOW MANY MANAGERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
        to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        How many can you afford?
--
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 13:54:23 -0600
From:         "Thomas W. Mayo" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Light Bulb
This one was written by Uwe Reinhardt, the health economist at Princeton:
How many Princetonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine.  One to actually screw the bulb in and eight to extoll the virtues of
the old bulb.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 10:22:55 GMT+10
From:         Ken Price <[e-mail]>
Subject:      beer/condom humo(u)r

A well-known brand of Australian beer is called XXXX or Four-X (both names
are used).  This has given rise to a few bits of humo(u)r.
    One is that it had to be called XXXX because New Zealand visitors can't
spell BEER.
    The other is its slogan (generally sung) : "I can feel a XXXX coming on"
The humour arise when the advertisements are shown to French tourists, as
apparently XXXX is a brand of condom in France.
    Perhaps the two companies ought to merge...
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 30 Oct 1993 23:53:21 PDT
From:         PG#1179 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PROSTITUTE (STRONG LANGUAGE)

I DONT KNOW IF ANYONE SEEN THIS BEFORE,SO HERE GOES IF YOU HAVENT.
[e-mail]

THIS MAN (HE'S A DICK) GOES TO VEGAS. HE WINS A MILLION DOLLARS...
HE MAKES AN OFFER TO A DUDE TO SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE. NOT.- HE HAS ALL
THIS CASH SO DECIDES TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PROSTITUTE TO GO FUCK...

HE FINDS ONE, THE MOST GEORGIOUS ONE......AND SAYS, "HOW MUCH FOR A HAND
JOB?" SHE SAYS $350 BUCKS..  THE DUDE IS LIKE "DAM! THAT'S ALOT!" SO SHE
SHOWS HIM HER MERCEDES AND SAYS, "I PAID FOR THIS CAR WITH HANDJOBS"

HE'S THINKING "SHE MUST BE GOOD" AND GOES FOR IT.

        .............LATER THAT DAY................

HE'S IN HIS ROOM FEELING FRISKY AND GOES TO FIND THE LUCIOUS PROSTITUTE.
HE FINDS HER AND SAYS 'HOW MUCH FOR A BLOWJOB'  "A THOUSAND DOLLARS" SHE
SAYS LICKING HER LIPS..... AGAIN HE'S LIKE "SHIT! THAT'S EXPENSIVE!" SO
AGAIN SHE SHOWS HIM HER CONDO.....AND TELLS HIM SHE PAID FOR THAT WITH
THE MONEY FROM BLOWJOBS.  SO HE SAYS "I MINE AS WELL, I'M RICH AND AFTER
THAT HANDJOB,,,,,,,AND LOOKING AT THAT CONDO....SHE *MUST* BE GOOD!!!!!!"

SO HE RECEIVES THE BEST BLOWJOB HE'S EVER HAD AND LATER THAT NIGHT WANT'S
TO GO AHEAD AND FUCK HER..........SO HE FINDS HER AND ASKS, "HOW MUCH FOR
A FUCK"  AND SHE POINTS SAYING "SEE THAT CASINO OVER THERE?   IT WOULD BE
MINE IF I HAD A PUSSY"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 19:25:08 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Excerpt from Sen. Bob Packwood's diary

Excerpt from Sen. Bob Packwood's diary.

Aug 13, 1989

I just got back from having dinner with Sen. Strom Thurmond at
his house. He is the senior Senator from South Carolina. He must
be over 150 years old, but he looks great for his age. He doesn't
look a day over a 110.

During my visit, I learned an amazing thing about Thurmond. He
died five years ago. He died in a fire when his dyed black hair
exploded. It seems he used a gasoline based dye and it ignited
when Senator Pete Dominici mistook his head for an ashtray and
put out his cigarette in it. However, the Republican Party and
one of its affiliates, Extropians for Money, brought Thurmond
back to life through Star Wars technology and RoboCop
special effects.

In public in the Senate, Thurmond does seems aware for a
Hollywood cyborg, at least as alert as Arnold Schwarzenegger. At
home, it is another matter. I have met cordwood with more
intelligence. For instance, Thurmond kept calling me Robert E.
Lee and asked me several times, "General, may I date your horse
Traveller? I assure you I have the most honorable intentions." I
finally got him to stop asking me about this by telling him
Traveller couldn't date him because he is engaged to Gen. Grant's
mule.

During dinner, Thurmond picked up his meat loaf from his
plate and held it to his ear and said, "Operator, I want to place
a call to Jefferson Davis." He sat for a moment holding the meat
loaf to his ear then slammed it back to his plate. "Damn," he
cried, "an answering machine. I hate talking to answering
machines." Later, he smeared his chocolate pudding all over his
face and cried, "Look at me! I'm Al Jolson." After dinner, he got
up and went into the bathroom where he sat in front of the
toilet, flushing it constantly, complaining, "Look at this, 500
channels and nothing to watch." When I left, he walked me to his
door. "Come on over again real soon Bob," he said. "Next time,
I'll let you floss my dentures."

Actually, it does not surprise me to know that Thurmond died. I
suspected something strange about him a long time ago when he
showed up for work one morning with bolts sticking out of his
neck. What I find most startling about the man is that he dyes
his hair black. Unbelievable! Who could have imagined such a
thing. No wonder he looks good for his age.

Yet, this discovery has caused me great consternation. I now
question my party and its policy towards dyed hair. One of the
founding principles of the Republican Party, since its first
convention, has been the belief in natural hair color. If a
conservative Republican like Thurmond dyes his hair, what other
Republicans have dyed their hair. Did Teddy Roosevelt dye his
hair? My god, what if Lincoln did. I wonder now if Reagan dyed
his hair. If so, what does this mean? Does it mean the Reagan
legacy of low taxes, big defense spending, and US support of
natural hair movements throughout Latin America to stop Castro is
a fraud?

     Questions, questions, too many questions. I have a headache.
I must lie down. I must read my Penthouse, drink a twelve pack,
and pass out.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 23:25:01 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      diarrhea jeans <slightly crude>

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary ?

It runs in your jeans.

Q. How can you tell the sex of a chromosome?

A. You look in its genes!

Okay, it wasn't crude. Punny yes.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 16:36:08 GMT+10
From:         Ken Price <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Football

Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of
spectator devotion.  Kids are born as supporters of a team , and die that
way.  Especially Collingwood supporters.

                        For example:
    Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand
Final one year.  Couldn't find a seat.  Went into the Collingwood stand, saw
and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat.  Went over to him.
    "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
    "No, sit down mate"
    "How come this seat was empty?"
    "Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
    "Is she ill or something?"
    "No: actually she died last week"
    "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
    "Its OK.."
    "Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family
friends?"
    "I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"

Ken Price
_______________________________________________________
Claremont College
Link Road
Claremont
Tasmania 7011
Australia
_______________________________________________________

Internet: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 23:48:46 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Last Will and Testament; Fun with Statistics; Future Jeans

The last will:
I leave:
        To my wife, my overdraft at the bank -- maybe she can explain
                it.
        To my banker, my soul -- he has the mortgage on it anyway.
        To my neighbor, my clown suit -- he'll need it if he continues
                to farm as he has in the past.
        To the ASCS, my grain bin -- I was planning to let them take it
                next year anyway.
        To the county agent, 50 bushels of corn, to see if he can hit
                the market-- I never could.
        To the junk man, all my machinery -- he's had his eye on it for
                years.
        To my undertaker, a special request -- I want six implement and
               fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers.  They are used to
               carrying me.
        To the weatherman, rain and sleet and snow for the funeral,
                please -- no sense in having good weather now.
        To the gravedigger -- don't bother.  The hole I'm in should be
                big enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun with statistics:

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For the Yosemite scenes, Shatner went to his costume designers and said
that he wanted the 23rd century equivalent of Levis.  The guys told him
that they couldn't make Levis, only Levi could, so they called them in
to see what they could do.  Well, Levi said that they hadn't changed
501s in 150 years and they didn't see any reason to do so in the next
300 years, so they gave them a bunch of 501 button fly jeans.  There
you have it.  Levi's plans for the next 300 years.

As a side note, I read this in the San Jose Mercury News.  I also read
there that Levi Strauss was one of the biggest users of CAD systems.
Apparently they use the visualization capabilities to view different
fabric patterns on their designs.  Seems it is cheaper than running the
fabric and making jeans.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 09:53:52 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Golf Club Regulations (WARNING: LANGUAGE!!)

GOLF CLUB REGULATIONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REF: THE ADMISSION OF WOMEN TO THE CLUB.

Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the
following rules.

1.  Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with
    hands or club.

2.  Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.

3.  All players with partners are requested to come together.  When the lady
    partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but
    continue playing.

4.  In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose
    a new position.

5.  Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from
    the hole.

6.  Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent
    repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.

7.  All holes must be kept clean at all times.

8.  Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the
    Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around
    the holes.

Booking hours (based on the five stages of age)

Ages : 20 to 30 years.  It's once in the morning and once at night.

       30 to 40 years.  He knocks off the morning and has it at night.

       40 to 50 years.  It's now and then (anytime).

       50 to 60 years.  God knows when.

       60 TO 70 YEARS.  IF HE SAYS HE IS STILL INCLINED, TAKE NO NOTICE;
                         HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

       70 to 80 years.  If he can lift his club, go ahead.

NOTICE: FOR MEMEBERSHIP AND INFORMATION, WRITE ME STRIGHT TO MY ACCOUNT!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 12:47:33 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumpersticker

I saw this not as a bumpersticker (it was part of a person's e-mail signature)
but it might be one:

Make laugh not war.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 08:34:22 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Propaganda <a fable>

A very proper gander by James Thurber

Not so very long ago there was a very fine gander. He was strong and
smooth and beautiful and he spent most of his time singing to his wife and
children.

One day somebody who saw him strutting up and down in his yard and singing
remarked, "There is a very proper gander."

An old hen overheard this and told her husband about it tht night in the
roost. "They said something about propaganda," she said. "I have always
suspected that," said the rooster, and he went around the barnyard the
next day telling everybody that the very fine gander was a dangerous bird,
more than likely a hawk in gander's clothing. A small brown hen remembered
a time when at a great distance she had seen the gander talking with some
hawks in the forest. "They were up to no good," she said. A duck
remembered that the gander had once told him he did not believe in
anything. "He said he hated the flag too," said the duck. A guinea hen
recalled that she had once seen somebody who looked very much like the
gander throw something that looked a great deal like a bomb.

Finally everybody snatched up sticks and stones and descended on the
gander's house. He was strutting in his front yard, singing to his
children and his wife. "There he is!" everybody cried. "Hawk-lover!"
"Unbeliever!" "Flag-hater!" "Bomb-thrower!" So they set upon him and drove
him out of the country.

Moral: Anybody who you or your wife thinks is going to overthrow the
government by violence must be driven out of the country.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 08:39:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Mulla Kyle meets nuns for the first time [G]

This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling
an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla
Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told.  If you should
ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the
writings of his early-lifetime experiences.  -  oxo

Collecting with Kyle

One of my many occupations, while I was between jobs, was home delivery of
The Cleveland Plain Dealer, our local morning newspaper.  You only have to
work for about three hours each day, before the sun is up, and usually
collect from your customers once a month.  For about $100 per week, it was
easy work.  I even had my son, Kyle help me, on occasion.

In order to simplify my monthly collection process, I would leave an
envelope with the customers' papers one week in advance of the last Saturday
of the month.  Then, as I was making my deliveries on the last Saturday, I
would pick up those envelopes which were left out for me.  I would pick up
the remaining ones some time during the day.

One February, my son, Kyle, (then five years old) and I went out collecting
in the early afternoon.  When we got to the house of the Sisters of St.
Joseph, they invited us in due to the harshly inclement weather.  While we
were waiting for the check to be written, practically every other phrase out
of their collective mouths was "God bless you."  I knew they meant it in
earnest, since they are probably experts on the subject.  I didn't even give
it another thought, once we left, and hadn't realised how carefully Kyle had
noted their demeanor.

Then, in May, they had left their envelope out for me to pick up in the
morning, so when Kyle and I got to their house during the afternoon rounds,
I passed them by.

Kyle, however, knowing the route pretty well, pointed at their house and
said, "wait, Daddy!  You have to collect from the nuts' house!"
"No, Kyle, I got their envelope this morning.  And it's nuns, not nuts," I
replied, gently.
He insisted, "no, they're nuts."
To which I rejoined, "no, they're nuns!"
He then said, with a tone of finality, "Well, they're nuts about you!"

I know when I'm licked.  I shut up.

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 09:32:39 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to purple Tyrranosauridae

I recently overheard a group of schoolchildren singing this in the sweetest of
tones:
        I hate you, you hate me
        Let's team up and waste Barney.
        With a great big hug we'll zap him in the head
        Pull the lever, Barney's dead!
Charming, isn't it?
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 08:29:00 CDT
From:         Jeanne Karns <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Post-Halloween humor

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 09:32:44 EST
From:         David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another lightbulb

HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
   One. AND IT'S NOT FUNNY
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 09:13:00 EST
From:         Frank Patnaude <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Light Bulbs

    In Annapolis Maryland, the US Naval Academy and St. Johns University
    (specializing in philosophy) have a friendly rivalry and the following
    jokes:

    How many mid-shipmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One. He just stands there and the world rotates around him.

    How many St. Johns' students does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Define 'change'.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 09:03:37 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      Cute kid story

I read these two true story in Reader's Digest a few years ago.

#1
A first-grade teacher wanted to expose her students to unusual foods.
Every day for a week she brought in samples of a different type of
food for them to try.

One day, she brought in some deer meat.  As she passed out the samples
to the children, she said "Let's try to guess what kind of meat
this is."  After a few incorrect guesses, she said "I'll give you a
hint.  It's something your mom calls your dad."

Suddenly, a little boy in the back of the class jumped up and yelled
"DON'T EAT IT!!!!!"

#2
One day, as a man was walking home from work, he saw a little boy
straining to reach the doorbell of a house.  He was jumping and
reaching, but he just couldn't ring the bell.  So, the man felt sorry
for him and went and rang the doorbell for him.

The little boy said "Thanks, mister!!! Now let's run!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 10:06:03 EST
From:         "Michael S. McCord" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Offensive to purple Tyrranosauridae

The one that I heard went:
        I hate you, you hate me
        Let's get a gun and kill Barney
        With a bang, bang Barney's on the floor
        No more purple dinosaur.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 08:34:32 CST
From:         Baiping Xie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Light Bulb

    I tried your method to signoff. But I keep getting Mailer Daemon saying
host unknown. Please help me. I want to be out as soon as possible. Thank you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 10:42:24 -0400
From:         Victoria L Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SEX,T-SHIRTS

        I BROUGHT A T-SHIRT IN TORONTO THIS WEEKEND,
        AND THIS IS WHAT IT SAID ON IT,(I THOUGHT IT
        WAS HILARIOUS)

        BEAT ME
        BITE ME
        WHIP ME
        F**K ME         (i can't remeber if we are allowed to swear)
        LIKE THE DIRTY PIG THAT I AM
        CUM ALL OVER MY TITS
        AND TELL ME THAT YOU
        LOVE ME
        THEN GET THE F**K OUT !

        NEEDLESS TO SAY I GET SOME INTERESTING LOOKS AND
        COMMENTS WHEN I WEAR THE SHIRT!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 11:23:13 +0000
From:         "George M. Cohen Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: SEX,T-SHIRTS

Male chavaunist pig version of your  virginia's t-shirt seen worn by Rush
Linbrough on his interview with Barbarra Walters.  ( Barbarra looked
interested in his offer)

>
>        Let me BEAT you
>        Don't BITE ME while you'r blowing me
>        let me WHIP you
>        F**K ME
>        LIKE THE DIRTY PIG THAT you Are
>        let me CUM ALL OVER MY TITS
>        AND don't TELL ME THAT YOU
>        LOVE ME
>        Stay till the morning and cook me breakfast
          THEN GET THE F**K OUT !

He is realy funny to watch.  I wonder how he handles himself with barbarra.

We will have to see on thursday's 20/20.
**************************************************************
George M. Cohen Jr                                 Internet
[e-mail]
u
Department of Family Medicine, H-53
Universtity of Texas Medical Branch
Galveston, TX  77555-0853
Voice  409-772-8516
Fax     [phone]
*************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 12:36:28 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 11/1/93 (fwd)

---> November 1, 1993 <---

=========================================================
Top Ten Ways To Make The Pillsbury Bake-Off More Exciting
=========================================================

10. Oven mitts full of angry hornets
 9. To increase likelihood of thrilling bake-off avalanche, hold bake-off at
    bottom of snow-covered mountain
 8. Claudia Schiffer marches around in nothing but a couple dabs of frosting
 7. Allow steroids
 6. See how long it takes to hail a cab at rush hour
 5. President Clinton can attack at any time and try to eat your entry before
    the judges see it
 4. First prize:  $10,000.  Second prize:  Death!
 3. All recipies must contain both "nitro" and "glycerin"
 2. Have that little doughboy "do it" with Mrs. Butterworth
 1. Guess what?  That ain't meringue!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 13:00:00 -0500
From:         "T.C. Borne" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      t-shirts

i got a t-shirt about a year ago, made by C/Z records which reads
thusly:

Because it's fame, fame, fame and the promise of danger and excitement
at every turn that get the hottest babes with the lowest self esteem
wet, wet, wet.  I ought to know.  I've been there.

Needless to say, I only wear this when i'm around people i know, or if
i'm in the mood for arguing with feminists.

and here's a question: a long time ago i heard a joke which i *loved*,
but i can only remember the punch line now...if anyone could help me
out with i would die...the punchline was "fuck you, clown"....anyone,
anyone?

t.c. borne
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 15:28:25 -0500
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was TJMCKENNA@PSULIAS
From:         [e-mail]
Organization: Penn State University / CES & CE
Subject:      bartender joke (clean)

                  I N T E R O F F I C E   M E M O R A N D U M

                                        Date:     03-Nov-1993 03:25pm EST
                                        From:     Tom Mckenna
                                                  TJMCKENNA
                                        Dept:     Audio Visual Services
                                        Tel No:   [phone]

TO:  Remote Network Mail User             ( [e-mail] )

Subject: bartender joke (clean)

A physician goes into the bar and orders a Walnut Daiquiri. The bartender, who
prides himself with his repertoire of drinks, is stumped and consults his
source books. After much research, he fails to find the Walnut Daiquiri. He
tells the customer,"I'm sorry, I can't make you a Walnut Daiquiri. How 'bout a
Hickory Daiquiri, Doc?"

sorry, that's the best i could come up with on a grey wednesday afternoon.

tom
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 13:48:42 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two Dumb Jokes

Q:  Why did the bellhop play a horn outside Jerry Garcia's
    room at 7 in the morning?
A:  To wake the dead.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What does President Clinton do when he wants a day off?
A:  He calls in slick.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 16:18:16 EST
From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clown Joke

well, you asked for it...

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who went to the circus with his
parents.  Halfway through the show, a clown came up to him and said "Hey
you."  The kid (we'll call him Fred) said "Who, me?"  "Yeah, you." said the
clown.  "Are you the horse's head?" "No", said Fred.  "Well then, you
must be the horse's ass!"  the audience roared with laughter, and Fred
was so embarrassed, he ran out of the tent in shame.
Later, he vowed that he would get back at the clown, and so he went to
his teacher to ask what he should do.  The teacher said "Oh, yes, I know that
clown.  He's a tough one... I suggest you join the snappy comebacks club
that we have here at school, and see what you can learn."
So, Fred joined the club, and he did very well...in fact, by the time he
was in 9th grade, he was the president of the club, and had won many
trophies at snappy comebacks competitions. At the end of the year, he went
to his teacher and asked if he thought he was ready to face the clown.
"I don't know" said the teacher "That clown is a true master... maybe you
should wait a while longer."  So fred went to high school and joined the
varsity snappy comebacks squad.  his team went to all sorts of
snappy comebacks competitions, where judges would insult you to see what
sort of lines you would come back with.  Fred became the captain of the team,
and was known throughout the school as a master of witty remarks. At
the end of High school, he decided that he was still not ready to face the
clown.  so, he went to college and majoerd in snappy comebacks.  he got his
bachelors degree in snappy comebacks, then went on to get his master's degree.
When he finished his doctorate thesis (titled "Snappy comebacks throughout
history") he was known throughout the country as the supreme master of
snappy comebacks and general witticisms.  And so now he was finally sure
that he could face the clown.
that year, when the circus came to town, Fred was sitting in the exact same
seat as he was on that first fateful day.  Sure enough, in the middle of the
show, the clown came up... but he pointed at the guy on fred's left.
"Are you the horse's head?" he asked.  "No.", said the man. "Well, you
must be the horse's ass!" Fred went to the show every night.  on the second
night, the clown called on the guy to fred's right.  The third night, it
was the guy in front of him.  The fourth night, it was the guy behind him.
Finally, on the last performance, the clown came up and pointed straight at
Fred.  "Hey, you."  "Who, me?"  "Yeah, you.  Are you the horse's head?"  "No."
"well, you must be the horse's ass!"
"Fuck you, clown."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 00:28:12 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Quotes ..

Dear Readers: If You can use a few good laughs today, try these quotes:

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason

"Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is
not original, and the part that is original is not good."   -Samuel Johnson

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."   -Zsa
Zsa Gabor

"A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car."   -Kenneth
Tynan

"France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet
paper."   -Billy Wilder

The above quotes are from the book "The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever
Said" by Robert Byrne (published by Atheneum). It's $10.95, and worth every
cent.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
          NEW
        IMPROVED
      Made the old
      fashioned way
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From Harper's Magazine:
                Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
-----------------------------------------------------------------
On a story about the discovery of a 20-million-year-old bear-dog den:

    "Den of Antiquity Uncovered"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the gallant lady in Peru who saved a pulled a drowning
man from a lake, fell in love and got married before the Inca was dry.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 17:32:43 -0400
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      11 reasons a cucumber is better.......

Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:

1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep
   in the wet spot.
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3) You won't find out that your cucumber
        ... is married
        ... is on penicillin
        ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
6) Cucumbers dont say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
10)Cucumbers don't care of you make more money than they do.
11)With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 18:00:14 EST
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clow Joke (offensive language)

This kid LOVES clowns. He's got clown posters in his room, clown
t-shirts, clown bed sheets, clown pajamas, clown books. He loves to
watch clown movies, clown tv shows, and read clown magazines. He's
even got a clown hat for his shaggy dog. Anyway, one day he finds out
that the circus is coming to town, and boy is he excited. He takes his
entire savings to buy the best steats he can, front row center, and
he's jumping out of his skin to see real live clowns for the first
time in his life. It's all he can talk about, people run the other way
when the see him coming, 'cause they've heard about the clowns from
him thousands of times, they can't stand it.

Finally, the fateful day comes and he shows up for the circus. He's
the first one there, sitting in his seat, with his clown banner. So
excited is he that he can barely contain himself. Finally, the
colliseum fills up and the lights go down.  Out drives the little
clown car. All four doors open and out comes hundreds of clowns.
Finally, after 5 minutes of impossible number of clowns coming out of
the car, the head clown comes out, with big shoes and orange hair, and
comes directly up to the little boy.

Holding out his hand, he says to the boy "Hello, young man! Are you a
horses head?" The kid is confused, and replys "Why, no." "Then you
must be a horses ass!" replies the clown. And the whole arena erupts
in laugher. Our boy is mortified! He runs from the arena, vowing
revenge. From this day forward, he hates clowns.

He goes home, burns his clown posters, books, bedsheets, shaggy dog
collar. He begins the study of snappy come-backs, because he's going
to get his revenge. He studies hard in school, goes to college,
studies english literature so that he will know every snappy come-back
ever thought of. He takes a graduate degree and writes his doctoral
thesis on hostile interactions and snappy come-backs. Finally, he's
ready. THe circus comes to town and he gets the best seats in the
house.

Arriving early, he can't wait for the clowns to come. He's beside
himself with pent up hostility toward the clowns. Finally, the
colliseum fills up and the lights go down.  Out drives the little
clown car. All four doors open and out comes hundreds of clowns.
Finally, after 5 minutes of impossible number of clowns coming out of
the car, the head clown comes out, with big shoes and orange hair, and
comes directly up to our hero.

Holding out his hand, he says to the boy "Hello, young man! Are you a
horses head?" Our man replies " o." "Then you must be a horses ass!"
replies the clown. And the whole arena erupts in laugher. When the
laughter dies down, the guy looks at the clown, and says,

"Clown. Clown.... Fuck you, clown!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 20:02:28 EST
From:         "Ryan J. McMillen" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      X - Visual Joke (offensive subject matter)

This joke requires the teller to snap his fingers after each name. The reason
will be obvious by the end.

A father and a son are arguing over who has slept with more women. They are
arguing and arguing and neither one will give way to the other. Finally, the
dad hits on a plan. They'll both go on their errands and whenever they come
across someone they've slept with, they'll snap their fingers.
                                        So, they're walking down the street
and the Dad goes "Hi, Mrs. Crabtree" and snaps his fingers. The son goes,
"Hey, Judy" and snaps his fingers. So they keep walking and the Dad goes,
"Hey Mrs. Brady" *snap*. The son goes, "Hey, Dorothy" *snap*. They keep
walking and the Dad goes, "Hey, Mrs. Lincoln" *snap* and the son goes "Hey,
Mary" *snap*.
                                                They get to the supermarket
and they go up to the checkout counter and the Dad goes to the checkout girl
"Hey, Kathy" *snap* and the sone goes "Hey, Kathy" *snap*. By this time, the
dad is shitting a brick. He can't lose to his son in this! So he hits on a
plan. He'll go home.
                                                They get home and the father
goes up to his wife and goes "Hey, honey" *snap*. The son goes up to his mom
and goes
         "Hey mom *snap*, is sis *snap* back from grandma's *snap*?
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 17:08:31 PST
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.U     A collection of clean humor gather on: 25 Mar 88

----------------------------------------------------

     The lecturer on physiology addressed the student nurses.  "We will take
up the heart, kidneys, lung, and liver in that order."  "Oh dear, another
organ recital," whispered on nurse to the other.

     A paper ran an item staing that "The departing Mr. Smithers was a member
of the defective bureau of the police force."
     The chief of police made a strong protest, whereupon the paper published
an apology as follows: "Our announcement should have read "The detective
branch of the police farce."

MAY THE NET FORCE BE WITH YOU

Did you know that 'gullible' is not in Webster's Dictionary?

There used to be a saying:
"The sun never sets on the British empire,
because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark."

The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history:
"Only the future is certain; the past is always changing"

Re: the "college age girl" "in affluent area of Santa Monica" who "couldn't
come up with the significance of the figure 1492."

Everyone has his own favorite statistic about the failures of American
education
.
One awfully good one (William Buckley's favorite, as it happens) is that
60% of the college seniors in Texas cannot name the country to the south.

----------------------------------------------------

Pat and mike were walking down the street when their old
friendly-sort-of-nemesi
s
approached them.  He thought he'd have a good laugh at their expense because
they, reputedly, weren't too bright.  He said: "Hey Pat! Hey Mike!  Did you
hear the news?"  "The news?" asked Mike.  "What is it?" asked Pat.  "It's
incredible, I read in the papers this morning that the devil died!!!"  Said
the old nemesis.  "Is that so?" asked Mike.  "The truth is it?" asked Pat,
and they bogh dug into their pockets and each gave the man a coin.  Thinking
this teribly strange, "What on earth is this for?" asked the man.  Pat began
to explain:  "In the old country, when someone dies," and Mike finished:
"We all contribute a little something to help the surviving children."

----------------------------------------------------

     There is no time like the pleasant.
     The busy lawyer wanted an alert young woman to act as deceptionist.
     He thought all women were biased.  "Buy us this." and "Buy us that."
     He didn't like cycling with friends, he wanted to clyclone along.
     The man told the ghost to go away, "You don't have a haunting license."

     Why did they hang the picture?  They culdn't find the artist.
     He had untold wealth, it wasn't reported to the IRS.
     Greta Barbo dreamed one night that she sprinkled boxes of grass seed
in her hair.  She awoke moaning, "I vant to be a lawn."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 21:59:14 EST
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Netiquette <satire, sarcasm>

Original-author: [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)
(adapted)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behavior, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Q: What is the measure of a worthwhile group?

A: Why, it's Volume, Volume, Volume.  Any group that has lots of noise
in it must be good.  Remember, the higher the volume of material in a
group, the higher percentage of useful, factual and insightful
articles you will find.  In fact, if a group can't demonstrate a high
enough volume, it should be deleted from the net. You can contribute
to your group's volume, if you reply quickly (be sure in include the
entire message so people will know what you are reply to). Remember
you would probably put Dorothy Parker's wit to shame. So the more
flippant, sarcastic, and oblique, the better. Reader really like
obscure puns. This generate more questions about your comment (but
forget to include a complete record of all previous posts, so the
reader can appreciate your winning wit.

Q: I want to sign off the list. There is too much volume and the posts
are getting dreadfully boring. I misplaced the instructions for
signing off the list. What should I do?

A: What that list needs is some excitement. Whoever heard of a
listserv. The damn listowner probably stopped reading this dumb list
months ago, so no need to write him. Don't merely send the message
SIGNOFF HUMOR to the public list. Be sure to include a comment
about how inconsiderate, dull, and repetitious the messages are (hey,
these folks have never seen a kiss-off message before). If you want
to be nice, say "please help me get off this list before I suffocate."
People on the net are very compassionate (there will always be some
helpful soul who will reply to the public list about how to signoff).
And if someone dares tell you that you could have found out how to
sign off the list by asking someone at your computer center, ignore
them. After all you have reputation--what if the people in the
computer center found out how stupid and inconsiderate you are. Oh,
you think they already know; sorry! Any suggestion that you should
have written the list's listserv to ask for LIST DETAIL is outrageous.
What do they think you are? Only a nerd or geek would waste time doing
something like that.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 23:41:03 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      Corny Joke about trained Snake

There were once two men walking through the desert.  While walking, they
happened upon a large lever that had a sign on it saying, "Pull me and the
world will explode!!".  Well shit, they thought, we can't have that happen.
So they went to the next town and bought a large boa constrictor named Nate.
They took Nate out to the spot where the handle was and trained him to hiss
at anyone that came near it to scare them away, and went back to town, proud
as hell for saving the world from an untimely demise.

One of the old gentlemen sitting on the town's one streetcorner said to them,
"You took a snake out there and didn't leave him any water?  He'll die!"
Well shit, they thought, and decided to go out there and build Nate a
swimming pool.  Then they had to retrain Nate to go to the swimming pool and
drink when he was thirsty, and swim when he was hot, and leave the pool to go
hiss at anyone that got too close to the lever.

After a run of weeks, everything was great.  Nate and his owners were famous,
as they were keeping the world from exploding.  Then the city came along and
decided to build a road directly between the swimming pool and the lever.  So
the two men had to go retrain Nate to look both ways before crossing the road
after leaving his pool because he was hot to go over to the lever to hiss at
anyone that came near it (whew!).

Until one fateful day....

A truck driver came down the road.  He saw Nate, but Nate didn't see him.
The truck driver could either swerve and hit the lever, swerve and go into
the swimming pool, or run into Nate.  So he splatted Nate all over the road.

The truck driver was asked about his decision to run over the famous snake
a few days later.  Do you know what he said?

"Well, I gave it some thought, and figured it's *Better Nate than lever*"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 3 Nov 1993 23:59:16 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Centepede, smarts, OPEC, WW1

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A poem by Ogden Nash)

The centipede was happy quite
  Until a toad, in fun,
Said, "Pray, which leg goes after which
  When you begin to run?
That worked her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in a ditch,
  Considering how to run.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Several years ago, a major meat packer decided to run a series of radio
commercials.  The idea was to hold contests on radio stations in which
the first 10 callers would win large supplies of sirloin steaks.  So
they hired a market researcher to prepare a report on how the whole
thing should be run.

The report contained a paragraph like so --

        After careful research, we feel that an appropriate name
        for the contest would be "High Steaks."  We believe that
        the majority of radio listeners are intelligent enough
        to understand the double entendre.  The only geographical
        area in which we found the intellectual sophistication
        lacking is Memphis, TN, and there we recommend that you call
        the contest "Free Meat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In Omaha, KQKQ pulls a practical joke of sorts on every holiday that is
celebrated with picnics (4th of July, Labor day, etc.).  They say that
OPEC (Organization of Potato-salad Exporting Countries) is trying to
force up the price of potato-salad, they also have "reports" of potato-
salad shortages and roits.  Listeners often call in and report things
like persons selling potato-salad without a permit and people stealing
 potato-salad.

The station also reports places that 'still' have potato-salad for
$xx.xx a pound (usually a real high price $20.00).  Last time the
leaders of OPEC forced the annoucer of the air, then he locked them out
and made a last report before they broke the door down and drug him
screaming from the room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm told that one of the Vienna newspapers ran a huge
headline on 1 April 1919:

        Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive.
            World War fought by mistake.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 08:08:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Centepede, smarts, OPEC, WW1

the poem by Ogden Nash about the centipede trying to figure out how to run,
reminded me of a way to drive your opponents absolutely nuts on bowling
night!  as any of them are getting up to bowl, non-chalantly, but
interestedly, ask, "do you inhale or exhale during your approach?"

the results just might win you a game or two!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 09:33:56 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Offensive to purple Tyrranosauridae

Here's a version overheard in the music department of this university:
        I'll drug you, you drug me,
        Let's give Barney LSD,
        With a shot or two we'll fry his purple head,
        Let's make Barney's brain cells dead.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 09:46:31 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman Top Ten List for 11/2/93 (fwd)

---> November 2, 1993 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Signs There's Voter Fraud In Your Precinct
==================================================

10. You're handed a beard and instructed to vote again
 9. "Voting machine" just an old dishwasher with candidates names pasted under
    control buttons
 8. You spot Richard Nixon sneaking around in a wig and a dress
 7. Whole place is manned by monkeys in paper hats
 6. In the booth next to you -- Vincent Price
 5. To prove your citizenship, volunteer asks for your bank card and PIN
number
 4. Guy shouts from back of room "Anybody got some more White-Out?"
 3. Instead of a voting booth, they have you line up at a Port-O-San
 2. Senator Packwood is standing a little too close to you in the voting booth
 1. The only two names on the ballot are Siskel and Ebert
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 09:49:26 +0500
From:         "Penny S. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Offensive to purple Tyrranosauridae
The version that's going around the elementary schools here is:

    I love you, you love me
    Someone gave me H.I.V. ...

Penny
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 16:53:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Deconstruction

Deconstruction, offensive to literary types, the late
Samuel Beckett and some loonys.
*********************************

Two loonys are escaping from the asylum, so far they've only
made to the roof.

    "You fool," says Saussure "There's now way out, we're
doomed."
    "You might be," replies Baudrillard gathering his strength
and making a successful leap to the roof of the building
opposite.
    "Oh wonderful," Saussure whinges "What am I supposed to do
now ? I can't jump that far."

Baudrillard thinks for a moment, and feeling generous, decides to
offer his partner some help.
    "Listen, I'll shine my torch across the gap, you can walk
across the beam."
    "Do you think I'm completely insane ?," screams Saussure,
"You'll turn it off when I'm halfway across !"

__Bob Werman    [e-mail]    [e-mail]
Jerusalem
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 11:58:57 -0500
From:         Andrea Deagon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pick-up lines

When I lived in Greece I heard any number of pick-up lines, and not a one
of them worked.  (Actually, I suspect most clever pick-up lines aren't even
meant to work, but that's another issue.)  All of these lines were delivered
to
me (or me and my girlfriends) as we walked down the street minding our own
business -- a sort of verbal complement to the kissy-sounds etc. we also got.
Also bear in mind that all of them were delivered in English by men whose
English was limited -- this was their one shot, planned and used over and
over again . . .

From a guy who had obviously never sen me before:  "Hello, darling, don't you
remember me?"

From a soldier to me & 2 other women: "Beautiful face.  I love you.
I fuck you!"  (An inevitable sequence of events?)

And my favorite, delivered in a seductive whisper to a friend of mine by a
suave individual who had obviously asked a friend for some help:  "You are
extremely fat."

Enjoy.  But don't try them on your next evening out . . .;-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 13:19:32 -0500
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumpersticker
I saw a bumper sticker on my way home from work last night that I
could relate to:

        HELP!!
I am having an out-of-money experience
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 10:25:12 PST
From:         "Hazem N. Nashif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumber Sticker (Clintons Bashing)

I saw a bumper sticker this morning:

IMPEACH CLINTON
and her husband!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 10:47:00 PST
From:         "Tom G." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Favorite Pick-up Lines

Here's one that worked for me:

I was in the lab, reading the newspaper with co-worker, and she was
reading the Walgreens (a west coast drug store chain) ad.  She was
familiar with the metric system, and she was puzzled by a store coupon
for 9-inch paper plates, so she asked me how big 9 inches is.  I was
on joking terms with her, so I pretended to unzip my fly, and offered,
"you want to see 9 inches?"  Her eyes got big as grapefruit, and she
exclaimed "Really?"  That was the start of a fantastic relationship.

O.K.  Don't believe me.  //Tom
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 15:20:21 EST

From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Head Like a Pole

Apologies to Trent Reznor

Thought honey might be similar to glue
Not funny when you lick my blue suede shoes
hot bunnies mail me an offensive wall
pot's runny, don't want them to take my tennis balls

So just inflate it
and you can't hate it
no, you can't mate with a walnut tree
so you'll restate it
expectorate it
it's your fate to be something like me

Head like a pole
blind as a mole
unzip your fly
and drink from a bowl

head like a pole
out of control
if you defy
we'll bludgeon your vole

Cows frown before you get the nerve
you will forget and start to swerve
cows frown before you get the nerve
you will forget and start to swerve

Fought Gunny's hot cooking for the floor
Dot's money wasn't burned without the stick inside the door
not funny cause it's prancing on their facts while they snooze
lost bunnies caught in out zoos

So I'll create it
and you'll castrate it
then we'll debate what it oughta be
the cabbage ate it
and you can date it
so if you're great then you'll get the key

head like a pole
scoring a goal
you can apply
to sit in some coal

head like a pole
grip what you stole
I hear you cry
while eating a roll

cows frown before you get the nerve
you will forget and start to swerve
cows frown before you get the nerve
you will forget and start to swerve

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 4 Nov 1993 15:47:20 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pick up lines ...

I don't know if this qualifies, but ...
I was talking to several people in a group (I was in college at the time) when
this attractive dark haired young thing came up and joined in on the conversat
conversation.  I wanted to make a point, and I asked her if she'd seen the
Movie _The Graduate_.  She hadn't.  Well, one of my jobs had been being an
usher in a theate that had shown _The Graduate_ and I proceded to give her a
rather long winded summary of the movie, then I made whatever point I'd wanted
to make in the first place.
   She was still smiling so I introduced myself.  So did she.  Her last name
was Robinson.  I couldn't help myself.  I asked, "What's your mother doing?"
Without missing a beat, she punched me in the stomach.
        The line, however, worked!  We did go out.  We celebrated our 21st
anniversary last June.
------------------------------------------------------------------  40